Martha Stewart is attempting to start a new craze: Hamster Burgers. She had just returned from a visit with friends in England, when her friend Burt Reynolds invited her out to dinner at Planet Hollywood in Beverly Hills. Over dinner she was telling him about the British beef scare and how her friends had advised her to avoid beef. “Some of the people there still eat beef, but my friend Diana said to avoid it or I might end up with mad cow disease,” said Martha Stewart, editor of Living, a chic homemaker's magazine. “When Burt suggested we could have Ostrich Burgers instead, the idea just came to me. Why not hamsters?”

The results are apparent in the latest issue of her magazine. The headline article explains all the ways you can serve hamsters in place of beef: hamster roast, hamster grill, and hamster burgers. Sources close to Stewart claim she is planning to open a chain of designer eateries serving her new delicacy. “We're even having the hamster burgers for Christmas!” exclaimed Stewart.

The new film, Destination: North Pole, has launched the movie career for former Santa's reindeer Blitzen. Blitzen was fired from his towing job last winter after crashing Santa's sleigh on a practice run over New York. Prancer, a close friend and former colleague, said, “Santa was outraged. I've never seen the old fellow so mad. Anyway, Blitzen said he could do just fine on his own. He's always had an interest in acting, and I guess he just found out where he really belongs.” Santa Claus was not available for comment.

Co-star Pamela Anderson had this to say about Blitzen: “He's a natural born actor. I just loved the way he swooped in during the fight seen with the elves. He's like a reindeer version of Sean Connery.”

Film critics Sisko and Egbert said, “We give this film a double thumbs up—hope to see more of this Blitzen fellow in the future!”

Last year he robbed eleven orphanages, stealing all of the toys donated by benefactors. The year before, he broke into hundreds of houses after his brother, Santa Claus, had delivered toys to good little girls and boys.

This year, authorities are prepared. Det. Axel Foley said, “We can't provide specifics, but we've worked out a plan to nail this Scrooge. He's not going to get away with it again.”

Albert Tinsel, one of Santa's elves at the North Pole, had this to say about Santa Claus's brother. “A long time ago, J.R. helped out around here. But one year he made a pass at Anna [Claus] while Santa was out delivering toys, and when Santa found out, he told his brother to get out of Christmasville and never come back.” It seems that ever since, J.R. has been stirring up trouble for the North Pole.

Authorities are asking anyone who spots J.R. doing something suspicious to call the police hotline, (800) CATCHJR.

The latest toy craze has brought on an Invasion from Mars. Last night, at approximately 2:00 am, several witnesses reported seeing flying saucers hovering over toy stores all over the Bay Area. At 2:15, the flying saucers then returned to the sky and disappeared.

The police went to investigate at several of the afflicted toy stores and discovered the truth: the Martians had taken all of the “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls. Det. Frank Drebbin of the San Francisco Police Department said, “I hate to say this, but millions of children are going to be unhappy this year. I don't think even Santa can do anything about this unusual theft.”

Scientists at NASA reviewed photos taken by the Hubble space telescope and confirmed that the alien spacecrafts had returned to Mars. Dr. Emmet Brown, director of the Space Institute for Advanced Studies, said “We believe the Martians have been monitoring our radio signals for some time. No doubt they have been hit just as hard by the mania for this toy as people all over the country.” The “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls have prompted the worst toy craze since the Cabbage Patch kids.

Strange Find in Archaeological Dig

Researchers have made an exciting find with a recent discovery in an archeological dig outside of Jerusalem. Late Tuesday, they stumbled into a hidden chamber where they discovered crockery storing what at first appeared to be scrolls. Dr. Henry Jones, chief archeologist, said, “At first we thought we had discovered some accounting records. However, it turned out that they weren't scrolls. They were an early version of Christmas crackers.”

Dr. Jones explained that the party crackers were filled with small clay toys and tiny squares of rolled papyrus. Further analysis revealed faint traces of writing upon the papyrus. “We think they contain jokes about Romans.” The researchers also noted the disorganized state of the chamber. At first they thought it had been vandalized, but other evidence pointed to a different cause. “We now think this was the site of the Last Supper,” said Dr. Jones.