December 2012, Volume 16.1

Candy in Chaos – Will there be any sweets for the next holiday?

Lots of candy canes

Looming Candy Cliff

Christmasville Crumbles Under Confectionary Crisis

Christmasville is facing a sweets crisis of critical proportions. The so-called Candy Cliff is the culmination of several unrelated events, some of which have been simmering for several years. At the center of this crisis is a longstanding conflict between the Candy Makers Association of the North Pole and the Federal Union of Decadent Gooey Experts (FUDGE).

Santa’s Workshop re-negotiates its candy contracts every five years. The Candy Makers have held the contract for the last fifty years, but FUDGE confirmed it was awarded a fifty percent piece of the pie for the next round. 

“The Candy Makers are furious and have gone on strike,” explained Mary Jane Buttons, a Christmasville historian. “They had a monopoly on providing the sweet treats Santa packs into stockings every Christmas. FUDGE has been trying to get a piece of the action for years and it looks like they have finally made it.” Located in the Yukon, the competing organization makes specialty products, such as Valentine hearts sold internationally during the month of February.

According to Pixie Pez, Santa’s candy quality inspector, “Our customers want novelty, and FUDGE has made major inroads in recent years.”

FUDGE spokesman, Peppermint Kiss said, “Last year, our organization won a contract to make jelly beans for the Easter Bunny. We innovated by offering a wide selection of gourmet flavors, well beyond the standard eight previously available from the Bunny’s factories. Customer response was overwhelmingly positive.”

Kiss added, “We wanted to bring some competition to the marketplace. Ironically, our factories can only fill about half of the demand from Santa’s Workshop, and we’re more than willing to work with the Candy Makers.”

Buttons said, “The Candy Makers Association has also been enjoying a ten year tax break on Christmas treats which expires January 1.” Making the financial situation worse, politicians pushed through a two percent tax on nuts and chews to fund the Toy Makers pension plan. “Everyone was too busy watching the Mayor’s seat lurch back and forth between Martin Frost and Blitzen the last ten years to pay attention to the new tax policies. So now everyone is calling January 1 the Candy Cliff.”

Pez added, “We’re not sure what’s going to happen. If the Candy Makers don’t end this ridiculous strike, we may have to get the rest of our stocking stuffer treats from American and European suppliers.”

PR Director for the Candy Makers, Tootsie Reese said, “Faulty tax policy and unfavorable contract arrangements are eroding local candy businesses. We’re getting stuck in a vicious circle. Kids expect our high quality treats, but they’re going to end up with a bunch of store bought goodies instead of Santa originals.”

Santa’s Sleigh Team Practices Regularly for the Christmas Flight

Santa with moon

Stratospheric Surprise: Baumgartner Sees Sleigh

After Felix Baumgartner, 43, made his historic stratospheric jump on October 14, 2012, he remarked, “Sometimes you have to get up really high to know how small you are.”

It turns out he wasn’t just referring to the awesome sense of perspective he felt by skydiving from approximately 39 km.

During an interview with North Pole News Anchor Kermit the Frog, Baumgartner said, “No one would ever believe this back home, but I actually saw Santa’s sleigh just before I jumped. They were unbelievably high. I always wondered how they flew so fast.”

It turns out that October is when the Sleigh Team takes several practice runs in preparation for Christmas night.

“Too bad I didn’t manage to catch them on film!” cried Baumgartner.


Updated01.gif
© 1996-2023 Christy Devonport. All rights reserved. These newsletters are a work of fiction and are meant as parodies for family and friend enjoyment. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.